I'll never be the same

    For a while now family has been fighting. I can't stand it, it tears my nerves up so badly. School is stressing me out so badly I was about to drop out today and just through my hands up and give up. Me and James broke up. I feel so useless now in life, I don't see the purpose to keep fighting anymore. Like I use to have a purpose to keep living now I don't. I always end up chickening out on death maybe I keep cheating it? I honestly am scared of what is going on through my mind right now. Dark, scary, depressing thoughts. Scared to close my eyes and reopen them to see what demons I have to face each day. A new one a new day. Over and Over again the pain will never go away. I just want to go back to self-harm I always found that the easy way out in life and my troubles in life. Running away is the way I was raised. I use to self-harm and always wonder will this be the one, or a little deeper will do the trick. Ever since the seventh grade, I haven't been the same. I was going back to my old ways, getting a little happier each day. Now I have hit a dead end. A scary monster that lives under my bed follows me to school whispers in my ear "They are looking," "Freak" "Why are you so stupid" "Come on just do it already no one will care." My day goes like that every single god forsaken day. School, I dislike- wait no I HATE that place. I go because I want to make something out of myself when I get older. Looking at my life now I wonder is it even worth going through all of this pain to make something out of myself. I've cried three days straight, wondering will it stop. Pain suffering, a pity cry for help is all I am asking, wait no I've done that to much I already have gotten "help" for my issues. Is suicidal thoughts caused by drinking to much pop? Well no, but that is what my Doctor says. I am just ranting on and on. I can type forever about this.