Paranoia in plain sight.

      I have anxiety which causes my paranoia, anger, and mood changes "Says my doctor." My doctor I hate. She blames my weight, my everything on what I drink. So I am coming off of my medication soon. I feel sick right now. My mom has finally realized that I see and hear stuff that most people don't. I'm scared of who I might become one day.

Spring Break.

    Spring break? It is an okay time of year. Tired of school, you get a break. But I wanted to get away from my family but I can't to much drama going on lately. I was so close to dropping out of school. Now I want to stay in and finish it all out. Ever since me and James broke up I've been depressed. Hurtful things he said to me and more hurtful things this girl said to me. I just wanted it all to stop! I thought of suicide but I couldn't do that to my mom. So I went to speak to my mom about it and I broke down into tears. Screaming, sobbing, wanting to die, plus the feeling that no one cares about you and that everyone wants you dead; is a very hard feeling to overcome. But I am better now. I am a strong person. Since people didn't want to help me, but I want to help others through their hard times. This is why I always listen to people and their problems. I am starting to talk to this guy, I was talking to him last summer but we kind-of drifted apart. He makes me feel wanted, we have the same type of music style. We go to the same school. We both thought dropping out was the answer but found out it is not. But spring break, is a great time and a horrible time also. I get to stay home all week and maybe just maybe get to go to a party.

I'll never be the same

    For a while now family has been fighting. I can't stand it, it tears my nerves up so badly. School is stressing me out so badly I was about to drop out today and just through my hands up and give up. Me and James broke up. I feel so useless now in life, I don't see the purpose to keep fighting anymore. Like I use to have a purpose to keep living now I don't. I always end up chickening out on death maybe I keep cheating it? I honestly am scared of what is going on through my mind right now. Dark, scary, depressing thoughts. Scared to close my eyes and reopen them to see what demons I have to face each day. A new one a new day. Over and Over again the pain will never go away. I just want to go back to self-harm I always found that the easy way out in life and my troubles in life. Running away is the way I was raised. I use to self-harm and always wonder will this be the one, or a little deeper will do the trick. Ever since the seventh grade, I haven't been the same. I was going back to my old ways, getting a little happier each day. Now I have hit a dead end. A scary monster that lives under my bed follows me to school whispers in my ear "They are looking," "Freak" "Why are you so stupid" "Come on just do it already no one will care." My day goes like that every single god forsaken day. School, I dislike- wait no I HATE that place. I go because I want to make something out of myself when I get older. Looking at my life now I wonder is it even worth going through all of this pain to make something out of myself. I've cried three days straight, wondering will it stop. Pain suffering, a pity cry for help is all I am asking, wait no I've done that to much I already have gotten "help" for my issues. Is suicidal thoughts caused by drinking to much pop? Well no, but that is what my Doctor says. I am just ranting on and on. I can type forever about this.

My best friend Sam!!!

    Well Sam what do I have to say about her, she is my best friend I have knew her for a year now! I have to say she has helped me a lot through out this past year. I can trust her with anything. She knows all my scretes. We are both book nerds. I am going to take her to go see The Host in movies since it is one of her favorite books. Sam likes to sing dirty rap songs. ;) I on the under hand I do not. She use to call me Hooker, Smruff, Snow Hoe, I call her my hooker. I saw this box and it said "Rum and Hooker fund" and I thought of her. Sam I love her oh so much, only reason I moved back from West Virginia is because I missed her so much. God I'm hungry she needs to feed me and bring me my book back. We all (Sam, Garrett, Kristen and I) like to wait outside Mrs.McCabes door in the morning. Got of subject there. Sam She has long hair, I have short hair. But honestly we almost have the same personality. I think that is why she is my best friend.

Self hate.

   Today I looked into the mirror and hated what I saw. Scars, rolls, fat, I hate myself. Scars on my wrist and thighs from self-harm, scars on my belly thighs, arms, back, my whole body of stretch marks. I dread summer, having to show my ugly body to the world. I cry because I am not beautiful in my eyes. James makes me feel pretty, but dang what can I do? I think I might even love James, but I am to scared to tell him. What if when he sees me and thinks "eww, dang why does her body look like that?" my bad thoughts of my mind gets the best of me. Not pleasing people if a fear. I stick up for others but not myself. I hate myself so much. Some days I want to end it all. I want to be pretty to feel pretty and beautiful, not all this hate. I sound like an attention whore. But really I am typing off of my chest. Maybe just maybe one day I will be okay.

3-19-13

     Today, James had said it has been two years since his brother Sam has committed suicide. I cried when I found out about how close he was with his brother. James is a total inspration to me, being that strong and still yet that strong for so long. Yes, me and James are dating, he makes me the most happiest girl in the world. James talks to me about his dad and to be honest I don't like his dad. James is so wonderful. I just texted him telling him about how I have mention him in my last few post. So I sent him the adress of my blog, maybe he will read it, who knows? Tomorrow makes a whole week we have been together, I sound a little cheesy keeping up with dates like this. He is coming in on spring break! Me and him are going to my friends party. Hopfully it will be a blast. To be honest right now James makes me the most happiest girl ever, and nothing can change that.

La la la now everyone is singing along.

   Today, March 14, 2013 is a good day. I've texted my boyfriend all day. I woke up to his text saying "Goodmorning beautiful" well to be honest that made my day, so far. Now I'm just sitting here with Sam blogging as she sings dirty rap songs to me. I love my best friend. But here is my song of the day.

Hey darling, I hope you're good tonight
And I know you don't feel right when I'm leaving
Yeah, I want it but no, I don't need it
Tell me something sweet to get me by
'Cause I can't come back home 'til they're singin'

La, la la la, la la la
'Til everyone is singin'

If you can wait 'til I get home
Then I swear to you that we can make this last
(La la la)
If you can wait 'til I get home
Then I swear come tomorrow, this will all be in our past
It might be for the best

Hey sweetie, I need you here tonight
And I know that you don't wanna be leaving
Yeah, you want it but I can't help it
I just feel complete when you're by my side
But I know you can't come home 'til they're singin'

La, la la la, la la la
'Til everyone is singin'
La, la la la, la la la

If you can wait 'til I get home
Then I swear to you that we can make this last
(La la la)
If you can wait 'til I get home
Then I swear come tomorrow, this will all be in our past
It might be for the best

You know you can't give me what I need
And even though you mean so much to me
I can wait through everything
Is this really happening?
I swear I'll never be happy again
And don't you dare say we can just be friends
I'm not some boy that you can sway
We knew it'd happen eventually

La, la la la, la la la
Now everybody's singin'
La, la la la, la la la
Now everybody's singin'
(If you can wait 'til I get home)
La, la la la, la la la
Now everybody's singin'
(Then I swear we can make this last)
La, la la la, la la la
Now everybody's singin'

If you can wait 'til I get home
Then I swear we can make this last


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=21YJcWdiNfI

Day gone bad turned out good

   So today at school was going okay. Lunch- I eat fast it was I was raised eat fast don't speak and go, well my friends know I eat fast and I cant help it. But this kid said "**** Megan no need to eat so **** fast no one is going to steal your pizza" well to be honest that hurt my feeling so bad. Sam, Kristen, Charity, and Garrett notice I was really upset and crying some, I told Sam "Let me out" she wouldn't she wanted to know what was wrong she let me out and said "If you don't come back here in 5 minutes I'm going to go get you and have hot lez sex" she said it to make me giggle which it did. I grabbed her arm and took her into the bathroom and I told her everything what happen. She hugged me and let me cry, I love my bestfriend. I couldn't tell the rest with out crying so I typed it down in my iPhone and they read they was mas at the prick. But I left school I was going to drop out but I say how many people cared for me at that school. My friend CJ texted me, so did Sam, and a lot others. I made a lot of facebook status about that kid, saying "I'm going to get payback" stuff like that. The kid messaged me saying he was sorry and he was just joking he would never mean to hurt my feelings like that. I forgave him. My friend James Martin, asked me out (I had a secret crush on him) I said yes! So my day had gotten better and still is. Maybe you can get good things out of bad things, weird huh? Things work out the best way they can. All I have to remember is stay strong you can make it through. Keep the best forget the rest.

Some poems/quotes I wrote back in 8th grade?

"Slice my wrist and let them bleed,
Till the morning light I may never see"

"Put a bullet through my head,
 For all I said will be dead"

Mix Emotions

    So I have been in a good mood today at school. Sitting around singging to myself. I have so much school swag, getting ready all the time. I was going to dress all pretty today but I felt bad this morning so it never happen. But I still got dressed and brushed my teeth and straighten my hair and went on to school. Although I still feel kind of crappy, school is fun I guess I like going to first and fourth period. Second and third I wish that they'll go by so fast, but I can only wish. So I like this boy I'm guessing he likes me? We have some classes together. I'm afraid that if I start talking to him that the one person I was talking to will be angry like I am when they talk to someone else. We aren't dating but is it bad that I wish I can have someone to call me theirs or I call them mine.My friend post this on facebook lastnight, Life isn't always greener on the other side. I actually do know what that means but not really. Yes I can read it and comprehend it but I don't feel what it means. My twin Holly got me a Chelsea Grin CD! I was so happy, I love Chelsea Grin. They are one of my most favorite bands ever. I miss Mitch, lead singer from Suicide Silence. I listen to You Only Live Once every night before I go to bed. I know he is up above doing the Lucker Stomp! Then I wake up to his song Wake Up! everymorning as my alarm.  He puts the smile on my face, the color in my cheeks. God I wish he could come back again. Then yet is that is only how my mind works. I understand death so easily, I don't cry when someone dies. I was told when I was little my pet dies my dad screamed at me "Now stop your crying or you're not getting one again!" I believe that is why I accept death so easily I dont really understand. But I put a smile on my face everyday! Its weird I started this blog post saying how great my day is and I go back and foward between depressing stuff and supper happy stuff.

lastnight and today

     So last night I went to bed around 10pm and I woke up at 1 something to get something to drink. I drank me a bottle of water I heard my step-dad screaming through the phone at my mom its kind of bad that I heard my mom scream also when she is on the other end of the phone. Well make a long story short I didn't go to back to bed until 3 something. I was worried, my mom left for the weekend for all of us to get a brake from the fighting, yeah right. So this morning I woke up checked my Facebook and my mother messaged me about seven times, I was mad but all she was saying that she was sorry and all sorts of crap I don't believe. I got up and woke up my step-dad for he can go work and I saw bottles of alcohol and to be honest I was upset. I don't believe in drinking or drugs I'm highly against it. I told my mom she was mad, but my question is why should she be mad, she is the one who made him upset. I asked her to quit fighting and everything but what good does that do, she wont listen to me. For some odd reason every time she dates someone and I get attached to them she always want to get up and leave. She pushes away everyone who cares for her. I don't understand any of this. All I know I'm waiting to hear the words "Megan want to go out for a ride" like I heard when I was a little girl. If she says that I'm not going to stay with her, I'm not going to stay with him. I'll find my own house to stay in my own way to survive. I'm just tired of all the BS that is been going on. I swear I should just run away, my mom taught me that run away from all of your problems. That's all I know anymore. *sigh* what good does it do, to keep on fighting when you know that you're hurting people you care about? Why is it that everything I do or anyone else does is always wrong. Why can't the world go around in peace, and not destruction? We'll never know...

Just babbling

    So yesterday Friday, March 8, 2013 I came home from school. I was sick that day so I slept in every class. But I got home and well no one was there, I texted my mom all day begging her to come and get me. When she arrived home well lets say that she was mad. I didn't come out of my bedroom. She went to West Virginia yesterday. Today March 9, 2013 I am home with my step-dad and step-sister bored out of my mind. But I've been thinking today. Why is it that when I think I am doing something right I am not. I never make a good decision always the wrong one. Now I'm watching A Nightmare Before Christmas my favorite movie of all time. I watched it last night also, got to love Netflix. I finished Intertwined Thursday now I'm reading the third book to my favorite series HUSH, Hush by Becca Fitzpatrick. I can't wait to finish it! I love her books so very much. I started reading a lot in the 8th grade I think I read books like crazy but by time 9th grade had came I lost my interest in. Now in 10th grade I've started reading again over my teacher Mrs. McCabe she has made me start to love reading books again, did I mention that we pretty much have the same interest in books? I don't know where I'm really going with this blog post but I think it is okay just to ramble on about useless stuff. I do that a lot endless I have something I want to share. To be honest I love blogging. I have to keep it secret from my family, I think they wouldn't like the stuff I type on my blog. I think the old saying goes, All is fair and love is more? I honestly don't remember it. It is sad that I remember music lyrics better than old sayings. I think I am done for a while with blogging I hope something come up in my mind latter on today. Stay Beautiful.

Self-Harm?

          I've been dealing with self-harm ever since I was in seventh grade. I first done it to show a boy I was as cool as him, because I liked him. Then I found out reasons to do it. I started to be depressed. Eighth grade came by, I self-harmed more, I 'quit'. Then here comes ninth grade! The worst year of my life, I self-harm more and more it was almost a daily thing. I moved to NC, I quit for a while. Paranoia and depression came back worse I never went anywhere with out my jacket. I went to Lincolnton High School, then I went to West Lincoln High School. I cutted more by this time I hade scars not as many. I quit again I moved back into my dads house in the summer. Tenth grade, I cut myself the night before school started, worn a dress. I can remember a girl asking me "What happen to your arm?" she said it as in making fun of me all I said back was "Ehh, you know my dog." I heard her tell her friend "Oh my god emo freak still cuts herself." That night I went home and cred I cut myself again. I got so many questions asked as in "Are you depressed?" "Why did you do that?" "You need help." Then I got called names "Emo Freak" "She worships the devil" people kept feeding me lies and I can't handle pressure a lot. I cut more and more everyday five new cuts. My dad acted like nothing happen. My mom saw them, she moved me back to NC, because she knew if I stayed there any longer I wouldn't be alive today. Now I have sixty-one scars all over my body, that isn't counting the ones that have faded away. I wear a jacket always to hide my arms. It's rare to see my arms.

          Now, I have finally, well hopefully, quit. I always stay strong no matter what I feel inside.



 

March 6, 2013

              Today was an okay day. I went to school. Thought about some things. Got to first period, I felt great, until people started staring. I worn my hair extensions. Everyone loved them but one girl, she said "I can tell that they are fake" well duh they are my hair was short one day. What does hair grow sixteen inches in one night. But it made me feel bad, I tried blending them good. Second period, went so well, there was a tornado warning we had to practice for. Third period, was good, I got creped out by this guy with Sam, it was funny. I use to have a crush on that guy. Fourth period Mrs.McCabe class! I love that class, I get to read. My friend Sam is in that class with me, which she is in all my classes but one. But I leave early at 2:30 everyday. I hate riding the bus. My paranoia gets the best of me most days like today.

              I feel like people are staring at me, but Sam reassures me no one is. But that never really helps. I'm almost done with this book I'm reading it makes the fourth book I read this semester. To be honest I love to blog. It feels like my  diary that everyone can read. But I wish I could hide under a blanket all day and forget the world.

              Speaking of forgetting the world. Why does everyone think that I'm not nice or I'm Satan's  child. I'm not I am a nice person with a honest opinion  Make me mad yeah I'll show you my bad side. I'm usually a shy person, scared to make new friends.

            Right now I'm listen to A Day To Remember- If it means a lot to you. I really enjoy that song, same with Pink- perfect. I'm addicted to YouTube and music. But dang why is it that I try to please everyone. I need to learn how to say no and not worry about what people think of me. I'm to scared of being judge. That's maybe why I'm so scared of going out in public. I wish that some people would understand me and not judge me on the way I look or the way I act. Yes I act childish some days but to be honest I can't help it. Most days I act like an adult when I am home maybe it is that I was never raised to be a kid.

"Wrist are for bracelets, not for cutting" -Kellin Quinn 

Life inside me.

     Well, want to know about my life? Well it was good to start with then it all went down hill, by the age I was six. My parents fought like cats and dogs, day in and day out. They finally split up. My mom had me and my sister move with her, we lived with this man for about two weeks, I don't remember much of that. I went to another school, I can't remember if I had fun there or not. My mom left that man we lived in one house for a few years I'm guessing? My dad "made" my mom re-marry him. We stayed with my dad for a while. One night I remember it like it was yesterday, My mom and dad got into another fight. My mom said "Megan, Holly grab something we will are going to go get something to eat." I grabbed my barbies into a pink bag got into the back seat. I don't remember if my brother was with us or not. But we was all riding around looking for a motel. My mother, sister and I saw this huge reddish moon it was so big I loved it.

      Now I am 16 I go to West Lincoln High School. I enjoy my classes a lot. I don't have many friends. I don't trust many people. My life is a mess, under stress. I've thought about suicide to many times. I use to self-harm. I believe in Gay rights. Life isn't what you make it, that is just a bunch of bull your parents tell you. From middle school up is legit hell. But I have to be strong and brave to be myself.

R.I.P Mitch Lucker

       It has been five months since my hero Mitch Adam Lucker died in a car crash. He was an amazing dad, he loved his daughter so much. His dog Parker he loved a lot also, he went on tour with him a lot. His beautiful wife loved him so much, just as much as he loved her. He was only twenty-eight years only, his daughter was five. She took her fathers death better than his wife. He died on Halloween night, he went out on his motorcycle go drunk, (he has done it many times before) but this time he hit a light post and died.

       Mitch Adam Lucker was an inspration to man people. I went to a concert about a couple of weeks after he died they showed a slide show of him I started balling. Mitch, he was such a great man he didn't need to die. He was a great man. Mitch loved his family so much, they cared for him a lot also.

       I cry to this day over him, I miss him a lot.  Suicide Silence will never be the same...  
 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=312Sb-2PovA