Paranoia in plain sight.

      I have anxiety which causes my paranoia, anger, and mood changes "Says my doctor." My doctor I hate. She blames my weight, my everything on what I drink. So I am coming off of my medication soon. I feel sick right now. My mom has finally realized that I see and hear stuff that most people don't. I'm scared of who I might become one day.

Spring Break.

    Spring break? It is an okay time of year. Tired of school, you get a break. But I wanted to get away from my family but I can't to much drama going on lately. I was so close to dropping out of school. Now I want to stay in and finish it all out. Ever since me and James broke up I've been depressed. Hurtful things he said to me and more hurtful things this girl said to me. I just wanted it all to stop! I thought of suicide but I couldn't do that to my mom. So I went to speak to my mom about it and I broke down into tears. Screaming, sobbing, wanting to die, plus the feeling that no one cares about you and that everyone wants you dead; is a very hard feeling to overcome. But I am better now. I am a strong person. Since people didn't want to help me, but I want to help others through their hard times. This is why I always listen to people and their problems. I am starting to talk to this guy, I was talking to him last summer but we kind-of drifted apart. He makes me feel wanted, we have the same type of music style. We go to the same school. We both thought dropping out was the answer but found out it is not. But spring break, is a great time and a horrible time also. I get to stay home all week and maybe just maybe get to go to a party.

I'll never be the same

    For a while now family has been fighting. I can't stand it, it tears my nerves up so badly. School is stressing me out so badly I was about to drop out today and just through my hands up and give up. Me and James broke up. I feel so useless now in life, I don't see the purpose to keep fighting anymore. Like I use to have a purpose to keep living now I don't. I always end up chickening out on death maybe I keep cheating it? I honestly am scared of what is going on through my mind right now. Dark, scary, depressing thoughts. Scared to close my eyes and reopen them to see what demons I have to face each day. A new one a new day. Over and Over again the pain will never go away. I just want to go back to self-harm I always found that the easy way out in life and my troubles in life. Running away is the way I was raised. I use to self-harm and always wonder will this be the one, or a little deeper will do the trick. Ever since the seventh grade, I haven't been the same. I was going back to my old ways, getting a little happier each day. Now I have hit a dead end. A scary monster that lives under my bed follows me to school whispers in my ear "They are looking," "Freak" "Why are you so stupid" "Come on just do it already no one will care." My day goes like that every single god forsaken day. School, I dislike- wait no I HATE that place. I go because I want to make something out of myself when I get older. Looking at my life now I wonder is it even worth going through all of this pain to make something out of myself. I've cried three days straight, wondering will it stop. Pain suffering, a pity cry for help is all I am asking, wait no I've done that to much I already have gotten "help" for my issues. Is suicidal thoughts caused by drinking to much pop? Well no, but that is what my Doctor says. I am just ranting on and on. I can type forever about this.

My best friend Sam!!!

    Well Sam what do I have to say about her, she is my best friend I have knew her for a year now! I have to say she has helped me a lot through out this past year. I can trust her with anything. She knows all my scretes. We are both book nerds. I am going to take her to go see The Host in movies since it is one of her favorite books. Sam likes to sing dirty rap songs. ;) I on the under hand I do not. She use to call me Hooker, Smruff, Snow Hoe, I call her my hooker. I saw this box and it said "Rum and Hooker fund" and I thought of her. Sam I love her oh so much, only reason I moved back from West Virginia is because I missed her so much. God I'm hungry she needs to feed me and bring me my book back. We all (Sam, Garrett, Kristen and I) like to wait outside Mrs.McCabes door in the morning. Got of subject there. Sam She has long hair, I have short hair. But honestly we almost have the same personality. I think that is why she is my best friend.

Self hate.

   Today I looked into the mirror and hated what I saw. Scars, rolls, fat, I hate myself. Scars on my wrist and thighs from self-harm, scars on my belly thighs, arms, back, my whole body of stretch marks. I dread summer, having to show my ugly body to the world. I cry because I am not beautiful in my eyes. James makes me feel pretty, but dang what can I do? I think I might even love James, but I am to scared to tell him. What if when he sees me and thinks "eww, dang why does her body look like that?" my bad thoughts of my mind gets the best of me. Not pleasing people if a fear. I stick up for others but not myself. I hate myself so much. Some days I want to end it all. I want to be pretty to feel pretty and beautiful, not all this hate. I sound like an attention whore. But really I am typing off of my chest. Maybe just maybe one day I will be okay.

3-19-13

     Today, James had said it has been two years since his brother Sam has committed suicide. I cried when I found out about how close he was with his brother. James is a total inspration to me, being that strong and still yet that strong for so long. Yes, me and James are dating, he makes me the most happiest girl in the world. James talks to me about his dad and to be honest I don't like his dad. James is so wonderful. I just texted him telling him about how I have mention him in my last few post. So I sent him the adress of my blog, maybe he will read it, who knows? Tomorrow makes a whole week we have been together, I sound a little cheesy keeping up with dates like this. He is coming in on spring break! Me and him are going to my friends party. Hopfully it will be a blast. To be honest right now James makes me the most happiest girl ever, and nothing can change that.

La la la now everyone is singing along.

   Today, March 14, 2013 is a good day. I've texted my boyfriend all day. I woke up to his text saying "Goodmorning beautiful" well to be honest that made my day, so far. Now I'm just sitting here with Sam blogging as she sings dirty rap songs to me. I love my best friend. But here is my song of the day.

Hey darling, I hope you're good tonight
And I know you don't feel right when I'm leaving
Yeah, I want it but no, I don't need it
Tell me something sweet to get me by
'Cause I can't come back home 'til they're singin'

La, la la la, la la la
'Til everyone is singin'

If you can wait 'til I get home
Then I swear to you that we can make this last
(La la la)
If you can wait 'til I get home
Then I swear come tomorrow, this will all be in our past
It might be for the best

Hey sweetie, I need you here tonight
And I know that you don't wanna be leaving
Yeah, you want it but I can't help it
I just feel complete when you're by my side
But I know you can't come home 'til they're singin'

La, la la la, la la la
'Til everyone is singin'
La, la la la, la la la

If you can wait 'til I get home
Then I swear to you that we can make this last
(La la la)
If you can wait 'til I get home
Then I swear come tomorrow, this will all be in our past
It might be for the best

You know you can't give me what I need
And even though you mean so much to me
I can wait through everything
Is this really happening?
I swear I'll never be happy again
And don't you dare say we can just be friends
I'm not some boy that you can sway
We knew it'd happen eventually

La, la la la, la la la
Now everybody's singin'
La, la la la, la la la
Now everybody's singin'
(If you can wait 'til I get home)
La, la la la, la la la
Now everybody's singin'
(Then I swear we can make this last)
La, la la la, la la la
Now everybody's singin'

If you can wait 'til I get home
Then I swear we can make this last


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=21YJcWdiNfI